On My Faith

I'm gonna take a break from the Chronicles of Spring to talk about my faith.

The reason I believe in God is because he gives me hope. If Christianity did not give me hope, I highly doubt that I'd be Christian. I'm not saying that I prioritize hope over the glorification of God or anything, I'm saying that glorifying God IS my hope. I literally have nothing else to live for. I have no ideology to follow, no relationships I hold above my relationship to God (even though it always looks like I do), and I am attached to no earthly possession.

I'm not suicidal but I would love to go to heaven, like immediately. But all according to the will of God.

Now back to hope, I need the hope that Christianity provides because I see my life as a complete failure in every aspect. I have a terrible relationship with a close friend which is nagging at me constantly, I have low self-esteem, I'm not successful, smart, or sociable. I fear so many stupid things like the opinion of others, and I just don't want to cause anybody the inconvenience of marrying someone like. I smile but I seldom mean it, and I'm a second-rate song-writer. I'm not artistic and I'm not a religious man. I do things I know I shouldn't and I'm shady. I'm a dumb hypocrite.

Looking at all these characteristics of mine, I can't hope for a better life on this earth. I just set myself up for failure. I am so comforted by the fact that despite all the terrible things that happen to me, I'll still have the capacity to genuinely be happy later on in the future.

When I think of my present, I get so depressed. When I think of my past, I get even MORE depressed. It's only when I think of my future, that I feel hope and comfort. My future in Heaven is a comforting thought. All current relationships that are going to doodoo would be reconciliated. My loserful self would become a cool smiling self. :)

I am so frustrated right now.

This is a post written in a state of anguish.